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Nicole Silverwolf
27 November 2013 @ 06:10 pm
So I let my paid account expire. Which is actually a good thing since I haven't been posting much here other than private entries to myself when my depression really starts to gnaw on my soul.

I need the money with grad school taking a huge amount of my funds up. But tomorrow morning I'm screwing that and taking a trip up to Malibu to hike in the AM. It'll cost me some gas but fuck it...I need to get the hell out of the circle that is go to school go home go to store to acquire more stuff for school return to one of the two other locations routine.

It's very hard to believe it's Christmas. I've been walking around in shorts and a tshirt all day. And been comfortable doing it.

Which also makes all these Christmas decorations feel weird. Didn't I get here like a month ago? Isn't it still October? Do I really only have like 2 weeks of school left before break? All are true in a sense. The lack of changing weather is messing with my perceptions of time hardcore at the moment.

Since my mom does not want to do presents this year understandably...I'm at a bit of a loss as to what if anything to get for her. I can't bring dad back and that's all she would really want despite all the tension and the bickering and the feeling I always got that they were two steps away from a divorce every time I saw them. It was to a degree their misplaced anxiety over the cancer I know, but even before that...something was just...not right.

Anyways. I like the plan mom has for tree decorating. She'll put one tree up between tomorrow and when my sister and I fly in towards mid December. Then we'll decorate the other tree together.

But this also leaves me wondering if I should just get my own gifts then. I put together a comprehensive I want list of silly things I shouldn't want but still do. They're part practical, part just more things for my life. I wonder if now would be a good time to use up that last gift card I got in the move, or if I should use it towards a small gift for my sister and mom.

It also doesn't help that I don't have a huge amount of free time to make something original between now and then either.

Alright...enough rambling, my footage has finally finished converting.
Current Mood: busybusy
Nicole Silverwolf
17 August 2013 @ 08:33 pm
So the last few months have been a whirlwind. I got into grad school, I've relocated to CA! I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not but my stuff's on it's way here so I don't really have a choice.

So far...I can't really tell...I'm not a fan of highways here, but I do like to go fast. Think I may have located a place that could work for everyone who wants to live together (without any help from them of course). It looks a little small but has a nice yard and is on a QUIET street which I think could work out well. It will also hopefully accept the one roommates dog...

It's here...which is weird and doesn't feel completely okay? I'm excited about class...VERY excited about that...just gotta work on the housing/car/finances situation. There's so much stuff I need to do, I just want to get going on that...when the school's offices are all closed for the weekend of course. argh.

Alright...gonna clean desmond's apartment for him in thanks for his help/allowing me to crash on his couch.
Nicole Silverwolf
16 June 2013 @ 01:49 pm
If only my asthma would go away...then I wouldn't feel so crappy. I've resorted to using up the last of my prednisone since my inhalers haven't made a dent for days. This sucks royally.

And now I'm freaking out about grad school...since I got into my second choice (Chapman in Orange CA), I have resolved to make the plunge and go. Now though I worry about whether this was the right choice, should I have held out on USC another semester...will this help me the way I want it to?

The reality I think is that I will make of it what I put into it. And that if I work hard enough...I can get something worthwhile out of the class. No effort=nothing gained from it.

The weather will take some getting used to, as will having to get a car. I'm hoping that once school's done and if I choose to stay in the LA area that I can move up towards Silver Lake and Echo Park where my sister lived and loved it.

I will miss the great friends I have here a LOT. And I know that distance tends to make me ignore friendships a bit...which I hope I can avoid. I also will miss my awesome apartment...badly. Wish I could just pick this place up and move it. Still...it's a lot of change....just not sure what kind it will be.
Nicole Silverwolf
06 April 2013 @ 12:13 am
Finding myself at peace tonight, more so than I was before I left. Yes I can see some decline though subtle over the last two days. But I'm here, until this is over. And that will be enough. Because there isn't any other thing it can be. And I have to be okay with that.

Don't worry...I'm sure the raging anxiety will be back tomorrow, but for tonight, it was just...good to be in the moment.
Nicole Silverwolf
04 April 2013 @ 08:03 pm
Heading back to NYC tomorrow after a day and a half trip home to Boston.

Things are as bad as I worried they would be and the doctor pretty much confirmed what I was observing over the few days I was home. That hospice is likely a thing of weeks, not months.

It was weird to feel some little bit of relief about that. I'm not sure if it has to do with my depression which came back with roaring strength in the last few days, the fact that I don't want my mom to continue to burnout like she has, or my own selfish terror of seeing death up close and personal.

That is combined with realizing this is it, and there isn't going to be more time. That helps to bring the stress level right back. I want to enjoy what I have and not spend all my time hoarding it, which I'm not sure is completely possible.

Hell, when I was first reading about the type of cancer my dad has and life expectancy, he's outlived it for almost 6 months. That's precious time already. It always seems like there will be more though.
Nicole Silverwolf
25 February 2013 @ 09:22 pm
Sorry to have been so out of writing here regularly. Applying to grad school has sapped much energy as has medical problems both for me (herniated two discs in my back) and for my dad (continued cancer woes and my parents both refusing to talk to someone professionally about their mental healths). I feel like I get home and just barely have enough time to get through a few things that need to get done and then have to run off or try to get some sleep. I wonder if that will ever get better? Probably not for a while.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Nicole Silverwolf
27 December 2012 @ 08:13 pm
So Christmas was a lot better than Thanksgiving went. Much less fighting between my parents, good times had by us most of the time in fact. My sister was around to help deflect the moments when tension got abominably bad and I felt less like a pressure cooker than last trip. I introduced Cards Against Humanity to most of my relatives that I see on a regular basis (they all loved it). Great food was eaten all around.

Dad is still sick, of course there's no miracle cure for carcinoma. The meds/chemo he's on seem to be doing a good job at checking the speed of all the growths again so that is a positive, and a change to a new steroid seems to be increasing his interest in food. I tried my best not to treat the whole trip like...what if this is the last Christmas we spend together, the last this we do together, the last that. Thinking like that will only end in trying to hold on to moments so tightly and being unable to appreciate them for what they are. I'm not sure if it's the best way to go about it but it is the way I'm dealing with holidays for the moment. I dread on some level what comes next but I try to remember that the current moment isn't gone yet and to keep it that way.

And to remember that I still have to do what makes me happy and fulfilled.

Headed home now. Less than a week from now I'm on a plane bound for MEXICO to go spay and neuter with Dr. Davis' crew. I'm so excited, and slightly unprepared at the moment. Still need to pick a return hostel for the afternoon I'm in Mexico City on the way back. That's alright, I'll figure something out...I think the hostel I'm staying in for the first layover of the trip will fit the bill so if it will work to get me into the city for a few hours but allow me to swing back to the airport easily I'll probably book it. Can't wait to go photographing.

Grad school apps are done and out of my hand. FINALLY got all the recommendations in...thank goodness...Jeff nearly gave me a heart attack going under the wire like he did. But now there's nothing else to do except keep working, keep writing, keep editing and hope they like me enough to give me an interview.
Nicole Silverwolf
14 November 2012 @ 10:45 pm
What I wouldn't give right now for my leg to not be an aching disaster area.

Severely strained a hamstring. Can barely walk, can barely stand, sitting is close to torture most of the time. The only comfortable position I have is when I lay on stomach on my bed with an ice pack draped over my muscles. It is really hard to work on essays while sitting like this FYI.

At least this position feels better in the sense that my leg doesn't throb so badly that I can't think. Small things I ask for in life.

Hoping this 2 days of no stretching exercises will help it to heal a bit. If I see no improvement at PT on Friday, I think I'm going to have to consider going back to the doctor. I am only slightly terrified that I might need surgery to repair this (way to go worst case scenario me). The problem is that if this laying position is the only one I'm comfortable in, how can I keep this going at work. I spend 90% of my day on my feet. There is no better way to deal with a strain than to walk on it...oh wait that's right.

Argh. Why can't this just get better.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Nicole Silverwolf
08 November 2012 @ 10:40 pm
There are benefits to feeling complacent. I know there are and I know I fall into that routine all to easily. But when that is yanked away, I always hate it.

So the cancer has spread again, now it's in my dad's adrenal gland and possibly in the stomach. New injectable chemo will start on Monday. 5 days on 2 weeks off for two cycles then a re-eval.

I knew something was up. My mom wasn't super enthusiastic talking about their vacation when I was finally able to skype with them yesterday. Things were not 100% on the trip, my dad was complaining of things bothering him that she wanted to brush off as stomach bug but were clearly signs of new problems cropping up. CAT scan yesterday revealed those new problems along with the symptoms lining up.

There are horrible moments when I wish this was all over. But the nature of the type of cancer he has...means that thinking model means that he's died. Which is of course the last thing I want.

I want some sort of miracle, so that when everything goes well, poof it's gone for good and my dad just has to worry about the normal things that happen with getting old. I worry about pursuing this grad school thing with that looming over my head. Is now the right time? Will there ever be a right time? Am I abandoning my mom when she needs me to be around more? I just don't know and those questions haunt me even as I'm excited and working on moving forward. It feels horribly selfish even when I know it's the last thing my parents would want me to be. (oh hey there anxiety, depression and self worth issues...nice to see you again, except it was really nice to be able to feel like I was getting a bit of a handle on you).
Nicole Silverwolf
24 September 2012 @ 08:59 pm
Well...that didn't last too long. My dad had a CAT scan of his brain last week, since way back when he was diagnosed with lung cancer in February, it had also metastasized to the brain. Due to how aggressively the lung cancer started to act, the radiation treatment he was having done for the brain tumors had to be cut short.

Cue forward to now, post chemo where he's doing rather well. He decided to kind of forget to take some of the steroids he's on to reduce swelling. Which of course has now affected his brain and caused swelling. The doctor was afraid that he would fall over when he demonstrated his ability to walk, based on what the swelling should have been doing. Fortunately my dad hasn't had any symptoms of dizziness at all which has been great.

So now it's back to daily treatments at the hospital for the next 10 days. They're targeted which is good and don't take all day like chemo does. But it's still scary. That specter that maybe I managed to...forget about a little?...reared its head again. The reality of what this is going to be like.

I'm headed home for a visit in two weeks so we'll see how that goes. I'm not sure whether I'll feel relieved or just get more upset. I suspect it will be some complex combination of both.

And here I was feeling like things were looking up this week. Silly me.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable